Of course, I wouldn't dare write about those actual people...that would be nuts! But...I can write about a HYPOTHETICAL office I might HYPOTHETICALLY work at....and the HYPOTHETICAL people that I might HYPOTHETICALLY work with.
Today, I thought I'd introduce you to the HYPOTHETICAL cast of characters....like IF I worked in an office with a bunch of um...crazy people...this is who they might be....hypothetically.
Top Dog - Older man, lives out of state. In 7 months, I've only have seen him twice...maybe thrice? He is the money bags behind the business...and I would wonder if he has any clue how things work here.
Lil Dynomite - Her title is "office manager". I've not really seen her manage anything...nor have I seen her at the office much. (about 10 times in my 7 months...never for a full day....usually 2 hours is her max), but she seems to like me (hypothetically) and so it's all good. If she were a real person, she'd be a tiny woman...about 5 foot tall and petite...with a LOUD, booming voice and a vocabulary that would make a sailor blush. EVERYTHING would be a big deal to her. She would be the type to wave her hands wildly while she speaks and would start every conversation with, "LISTEN TO THIS @%!?#@ @#%&!! YOU'RE NOT GONNA BELIEVE THIS ##@?!&!!" Calls would come in for her all day-every day...and she'd always be "not here right now...would you like to leave her a voicemail?" (I have no idea if she ever listens to her voicemails.) She is a whirlwind of a person and her in-and-out visits leave things spinning in her wake.
Bear - Lil Dynomite's ex-husband and production manager. A gentle giant of a person. Remarried and seems to keep things together around here (hypothetically speaking of course). He comes to work pretty much every day and stays pretty much all day...except for during hunting season...but apparently, in this industry, that doesn't count. I'd say he's the glue here.
Shifty - This guy would've been my boss at another company and if this were all non-fiction, he might be the one who found out I was no longer at my old job and he might be the reason I'm here now. He doesn't spend a lot of time at the office. Rumor has it he's looking to move to "greener" pastures. Rumor might be right...
Dwarf - Not only because she's short...but because I've seen her shift from "Happy" to "Dopey" to "Grumpy" in a matter of moments....and her specialty is the 8th dwarf...."Cry-ey". She is Lil Dynomite's ex-daughter-in-law (and the grandbaby's momma). She almost always makes a daily appearance at work...almost...and sometimes even stays the whole day...but not often. She is in charge of payroll...and is stand-in office manager...of sorts. Her life is drama, drama and more drama...and most of that drama requires that she arrive late to work...and leave early. Her split from the baby-daddy is fairly new (though it happened prior to my arrival here) and working around her ex-fam provides many reasons for regular emotional break-downs. All that being said, she's very sweet and frankly was put in a position of authority here that she has no idea how to handle. Her only job experience prior to this was as a restaurant hostess....hypothetically.
Phantom - I've heard she works here. I've heard she shares an office with Dwarf. Spotting her is kind of like spotting Big Foot. A lot of people spend time being angry that she's not here...a lot of those people really have no room to talk. I'm just baffled that she still draws a check. It's after 10:00 a.m. right now....she's nowhere to be found. On her rare visitation days, she shuffles around here in her flip-flops (or barefoot), loose track pants and an over-sized, unmatching t-shirt. She is pregnant yet still takes regular
Worker Bee - Yup...there is someone who works here that...works. She comes in on time, stays tucked up in her office all day, working...and almost always stays until it's actually time to leave. Wow!
The Lazy One - Lil Dynomite and Bear's younger son. I asked him once to describe himself with 3 adjectives. He immediately said, "lazy"...then after about 30 seconds, "I can't think of anything else." And that just about sums him up. :/ He is the same age as my son...and his complete opposite. His "job" here is to just tidy up...vacuum, take the garbage out, put paper in the copy machine (a made-up job since his mom is in charge) He does nothing...unless he's asked for several days on end...and then it's with a scowl. I'm fairly certain he has no idea which end is the business end of the vacuum cleaner. More often than not, he doesn't show up...and honestly it doesn't make one bit of difference (though it IS aggravating to know he's getting paid anyway).
Baby Daddy - Lil Dynomite and Bear's older son...and Dwarf's baby daddy. He was laid off from another company and hired on here to do the same job as The Lazy One...but he gets paid more. (yeah...try to make sense out of that one) He does accomplish the same amount of work...zero. Pretty sure his only real function is to make Dwarf even MORE emotional. Thankfully, he rarely shows up either....hypothetically.
Father Time - Much older man who worked in the field until the job ended. Others were laid-off, but because of his enormous medical bills has been kept on...at the office...but has no real duties here. So...he spends his days listening in on everyone else's job...and trying to get involved...in EVERYTHING. This can also be described as DRIVING ME CRAZY!! Buuutttt....he often provides breakfast...and is really sweet...just underfoot all the time. =^| He rarely knows what he's talking about...and depending on my mood, this is either really frustrating...or hilarious. (Two days ago, he was on the phone trying to tell someone where the office is: "It's in Port Neches. Yeah...it's Port Arthur...it's the same thing. Yeah...Port Arthur, but here they call it Port Neches." Um....whaaaa???) Also, I have never in my life seen someone who can stand at the door staring out at the street for so long...unless we count wax figures at the wax museum. He's a strange hypothetical creature, he is.
*****Sidenote: It's 10:41...Phantom just walked in. She brought one of her kids with her. He looks very much like a Precious Moments...and asks a million questions. He's "home sick"...and in one minute has already run back and forth 3 times. Not sure what sort of "sick" this is. :/
Rah Rah - Nice man...probably in his early 60's. His personality holds remnants of the high school cheerleader that he was. Almost always peppy....when he comes out in the open. But...his cubicle is seperated from everyone else and behind a wall. I'm convinced that he spends a lot of his hypothetical time sleeping back there.
Johnny - Small, quiet, hispanic guy. Not much to say about him, cuz he's so darn quiet. He doesn't work on Fridays, but usually stays busy (doing I don't know what) for the rest of the week....hypothetically.
And then there's me....can we say about me....hypothetically? I think we'll have to save that for another day...
***P.S. The time is now 11:02...Dwarf just went home for the day. Must be nice...
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